Me and My Mom

My mother trained me well for my current profession.

As with many thinkers, I excelled in science and math. I took apart and put back together, anything I could 1. Get my hands on; and 2. Had access to the “right” tools (usually a butter knife or pliers from my family’s racket-stringing machine). I asked questions relentlessly and fixated on tasks until mastered. No matter who you were, if I felt you were wrong, I let you know.

I gave little attention to emotions. Others’ feelings were intriguing, but nothing of consequence. I cared more about right and wrong than the associated emotions. As feelings were not relevant, I lacked the interest to build the skills necessary to manage my emotions. When I did have them, emotions uncontrollably flew out.

Then came the training.

If a situation arose that someone other than me experienced a negative emotion, such as hurt or sadness, Mom instructed me to care about the other person’s experience. She would explain that I knew what I was doing, I knew the consequences of my actions, therefore I am responsible for the consequences. I was responsible for other people’s feelings.

I learned to monitor other’s feelings. I learned to listen for feeling words. I demonstrated empathy by prioritizing others’ feelings. When someone was hurt, I changed my behavior. When someone was mad, I worked to make amends.

My adolescence was dedicated to learning more about why others felt.

I knew others’ feelings were important, but I still did not understand why others felt the way they did. So, I journaled. I investigated. I interviewed. I used my science and math brain to figure out the pieces I was missing.

My family was very helpful. My mother’s stories of her childhood, her various relationships, my dad’s childhood and his family experiences all helped me understand why people felt. These feelings then explained subsequent behaviors. If someone was neglected as a child, she may neglect herself and therefore enter relationships that focus on the partner. If a child was told he was dumb and would never amount to anything, he would become a workaholic and become suicidal when he perceives the end of his career.

The forced empathy combined with my desire to understand how things worked led me to obsessively learn about human development.

The Resolution of Issues

It’s important to understand the line that separates you from the person others expect from you. To find the line, think about the things you do, think, like, or want that elicit guilt, resentment, or other uncomfortable feelings. This may look like a lack of enjoyment of activities in which others are emphatic, circumstances you regularly avoid, or important goals you keep putting off. The yucky feelings usually mean there is discourse between internal self and external influences.

I spent my 20s separating the “me” from the “supposed to be” me. I worked through delineating the perceived expectations of others from my true desires. Of course, this was challenging since the extraneous voices felt at home in my thoughts. Through intentional effort I learned I didn’t need to discount my goals because someone else doesn’t think they will work.

I learned that being tactless is not the same as malice. I lack tact, but I don’t lack heart. I care about people; I just may show it differently than others. And I like this about me.

Something that I see other women struggle to accept is I am allowed to not like someone. When someone rubs me the wrong way or I do not agree with their ideals, I do not need to make them like me. Even more, it is okay that I don’t like THEM. It is not my responsibility to like others or to make others like me. Sometimes people just don’t click, and that’s just fine.

The continued struggle:

Despite my efforts and growth, I still struggle accepting responsibility for my mother’s feelings.

When I can physically separate from my mother, I can listen to her stories (or not) and be fine. I can provide undivided attention (or not) and know I am not responsible for her emotional experiences. I even sometimes enjoy our conversations.

When she is living with me for more than a year, my skills fail me. I return to the child that is not allowed to have preferences or desires, since these desires negatively affect others. Therefore, when I become agitated by the way my mother speaks to my middle child, I become paralyzed. Who am I to feel agitated? If I say something, I will hurt my mom.

But if I don’t I’m allowing my mom to potentially hurt my son.

The Psychology:

It takes a lot of energy to consciously act or make decisions. Imagine you had a challenging day at work. People kept making requests that verged on the edge of impossible. You had to make major decisions with little time to prepare. You enter your home, and your household continues the bombardment of demands and needs for decisiveness. Luckily, you have a choice between two readymade meals: 1. A healthy vegetable and protein dinner that meets all your nutritional requirements; or 2. A meal of the indulgence you have sacrificed until you achieve your goals. You WILL choose the unhealthy and indulgent option. You have used all your conscious decision-making power for that day.

Our minds prefer to automate actions. It takes a lot of power to be conscious, so our brain takes all opportunity to reduce the need for intentional action. If you do something often enough, you will no longer “think” about it. It will just happen. You put your shoes and socks on the same way (try to notice what way works for you).

To illustrate the importance of your routine, think of your morning ritual (we all have one). What happens when you must add something to your morning? What if you are responsible to bring an important report? That morning will be focused on not forgetting the report, to the possible detriment of your dental routine, breakfast, or even forgetting your wallet or phone.

Our brain uses location and situational cues to start the automatic behavior, and it likes doing this.

Our parents, family, and family home elicit years of automatic behaviors. Your parents trained you to behave according to their norms. It is physically inside your brain to behave within the established parameters. My brain likes to auto-pilot my responsibility for my mother’s feelings, I mean, I SHOULD make her feel less aggravated when the nation’s political system infuriates her. It is easier to succumb to years of training than take time and consciously reflect on the reality that anonymous groups of people can incense a grown woman.

We behave as children around our families because our brains like doing it.

So, are we doomed to repeat this?

We are not all doomed, though sometimes it may feel that way. There are techniques that empower individuals to grow beyond their upbringing.

Removing yourself from the stimulus prevents the automatic behavior. Choosing not to be around family will enable healing and growth. This is a great option to separate intense emotions while healing from past hurts, but alone it does not offer a permanent fix.

I have multiple periods of time that I did not speak with my family. Arguably these are the best times in my life.

Mindfulness is the effort to live in the moment. It is the act of living consciously. Meditation trains your brain to focus on the present, without judgement. Adding mindful practices help break the automatic behaviors.

I take deep breaths before I engage my mother. This allows oxygen to do its thing, while bringing me into the present. I do a few body scans and consciously monitor my thoughts and options. This also empowers me to express any ideas or thoughts that may be valuable to the conversation.

Practice and repeating new behaviors create new automatic responses. Yes, creating new behaviors to replace old/ingrained ones requires a lot of consistent effort. It is challenging, but worth the effort.

I add mindful practices when I feel the physical expressions of my emotions. Before I would yell, argue, or say hurtful things when I became physically angered. I know when my blood pressure rises that I am becoming emotionally affected by the situation. This is my trigger to separate myself emotionally from the conversation. Now when I notice my anger rising, my brain turns on and I go into counselor mode.

My mother often asks if we are “doomed to repeat our past.” With work and consistency, we are not “doomed.” However, it DOES require work and effort, support and kindness.

Growing beyond our past requires understanding and appreciation of our self. This appreciation empowers us to use the techniques. We stand up for those for which we care. Knowing you have value provides the motivation and strength to push through necessary removal, mindful practices, and implementing new behaviors.

We will further explore removing yourself, mindfulness, and replacing old behaviors in future articles.