Working through the not-so-good stuff about Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is coming up. A day to celebrate gifts mothers have given to others. It’s a time to recognize the, often overlooked and taken for granted, hard work of the women in our lives.
Doesn’t that sound sweet.
Cultural expectations
Though designed to promote friendship and health, American culture created a commercialized holiday celebrating “mom.”
But not just any mom. No, we are talking about a strong binary female who biologically created healthy and living human offspring. A female who dedicated her love and will to her offspring’s betterment. She maintains the continued loving and devoted relationship…one which deserves an entire day for recognition.
Therefore, creating a public reminder of failure or loss for those of us with fertility issues, familial loss, or children of mothers who do not deserve the acknowledgment.
This “holiday” can be very stressful/hurtful/guilt-ridden/any number of other negative experiences.
Mother’s Day 2010
It was the conclusion of the first year of trying to get pregnant and failing, watching everyone around me safely deliver their perfect babies, spending their first Mother’s Day with said children, at my house, and only two weeks after my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.
So, already, I wasn’t feeling that great.
Then, as I was in the pool trying to enjoy a little bit of calm (truthfully, avoid the doting parents and grandparents), I looked up and saw my mom looming over me.
Apparently, pointing at and scolding me, demanding the location of some random object she left in my house, and stomping off, was worth the 6-hour round-trip she made from Tampa to South Florida.
That is dedication.
Of course, I had no idea she was coming. And I didn’t know it was a drive-by until I got out of the pool and found she had vanished.
I was left feeling powerless, sad, and guilty. I worked to hide these feelings from my celebrating in-laws and explain/rationalize my mother’s strange behavior.
What I learned
Unfortunately, I learned what emotional isolation felt like.
The new parents around me could not understand the pain and loss that ate me from the inside
a. None of them had issues getting pregnant, keeping the pregnancy, and delivering.
b. They did not know how to incorporate my inability to join in their celebration, so conversations quieted when I came around.
c. I got the “things happen for a reason” and pity smiles while the “real moms” got flowers.
2. Not all moms are created equally
a. My mother-in-law likes to be around her children
b. Most moms like their children
c. Most children believe their moms love them (and have proof to back this up)
Mother’s Day for the rest of us
That year taught me many things. I learned to identify my feelings AND share them with my partner. I learned to ASK (and accept) help. I also learned the importance of patience and curiosity.
I am cautious when I ask others about their plans for Mother’s Day. Like any other holiday, I do not initiate conversations about celebration plans. An innocuous statement like, “I bet you’re excited for Mother’s Day” will inadvertently destroy anyone who has experienced fertility concerns (no matter how long ago, how many children they have, how fulfilled their life, etc.).
I monitor my reactions closely, and with more care, in early May. Though I have three beautiful and healthy children, my grief occasionally returns. And that is okay. It means I need to reach out for help, talk to those around me, and accept the love from those closest to me.
And then there’s my mom.
My relationship with my mom works through phases of separation and times of communication. We are in our separation phase. And that too is okay.
This year I found a card. That I will actually mail. It’s one that I believe (Those who work with me in counseling know my focus on being true to one’s self). So, I will send it out.
I will also probably have my kids call her. Which she will most likely send directly to voicemail, as that is how she handles most holidays.
Previously, I would experience anxiety, predicting how I should reach out to my mom. Or I would worry about how my mom will react knowing I will most likely spend the day with my mother-in-law (who is a GREAT mom, and who I am grateful to have in my life). I would pick fights with my husband. Tell him all the ways he fails to love me the way I deserve (in the counseling field call this “displacement”).
Instead, I will acknowledge, and name, the emotions as they arise. I expect to feel “abandoned”, “hurt”, or “unloved”. Know they are natural expressions of unnatural experiences. And feelings are okay…and don’t last that long when we embrace them versus thinking them away. Then I identify any emotional need and create a plan to take care of it (usually calling a friend or asking someone for a hug).
I will also accept my choices:
I can choose to call her and ask her what she wants, try to give it to her, maybe (most likely not) make her happy for a moment, but sacrifice time with my children and husband (and my mental health)
I can call her up and explain the reasons I choose not to talk to her, let her know the hurt and pain that comes from the love she provides, and then feel bad for hurting her feelings…and giving her more reasons to call me mean
Accept that any choice I make is one I make, with the support of my family, for the best outcome for my family, and that all decisions come with consequences
No matter my actions, I will have to deal with the outcomes. The outcomes are manageable when I make decisions that are true to myself, do no harm, and that I know I’m doing the best I can.
How counseling can help
Our culture values the idealized “Mother” so much it dedicates an entire holiday to its celebration. And working through infertility and “mommy” issues is challenging. Counseling helps people:
Know you’re not alone.
Create your own solutions.
Learn what is, and how to experience, healthy love in your own life
Know It is not okay to admit your mom doesn't love you the way you need her to (no matter your age)
A counselor can help you sort the “real” from the “crap others said you have to believe”. And yes, counselors go to counselors. That’s how we get through tough times.
Finding “you” beneath the pain, resentment, and isolation enables you to move beyond the hurt. Finding “you” helps you define the “right path” to confidently decide how you will spend your next Mother’s Day or any holiday.
This blog is a part of Dr. Stevie Peña’s “If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother” series.
Check out the first two installments here:
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother
If you’d like to learn more about Dr. Stevie, check out her website here: www.drsteviepena.com
